The first year, second time around...

 Having children has changed so many things about me, or I've changed myself in order to fit in with motherhood... I'm not sure which is more true, maybe both. I would say, in my experience, the first year of your first child's life, is probably the steepest learning curve that you'll ever experience... or at least it has been for me. I struggled tremendously throughout the first year of Abbie's life, for a number of reasons. The benefit of hindsight, and the addition of Eliana (whose personality is polar opposite to Abbie), has helped me realise, that Abbie was a particularly demanding baby. She has always challenged me, and I mean that now in the best possible way. I think she's taught me already, some of my greatest life lessons. It's only in the few quiet moments that I get every now and then, that I'm able to sit back and appreciate that. Now that we are fast approaching the end of the first year of Eliana's life, I have been reflecting on how different they have both been. So here's a few ways that life with baby number two has been different to baby number one. 

1. I leave the 'rules' behind...
Throughout Abbie's babyhood I searched for support. I was so lost sometimes that I turned to the Pinky McKay's and the Tizzie Halls looking for a few answers. I didn't trust my own ability, I questioned every single decision that I was making, and I worried so much about the outcome... After all there are so many conflicting 'rules', it's hard to know which way to turn. This time, I have been so much more confident in my own ability to recognise what my baby needs. I think, having made it through that particularly difficult first year of motherhood, I was able to look at my bright, vibrant little girl and realise that I must've done something right along the way. She's happy, healthy and brings us so much joy... even when she's behaving like a typical 2 year old toddler! I have realised that I'm neither a 'Tizzie Hall' style of mother, nor am I a attachment 'Pinky McKay' style of mother. We do a 'Kirsty and Nathan- whatever the hell gets us through the night' style of parenting. I have often wondered if that's the reason my kids don't sleep through the night, if I'm sabotaging myself and our family's sleep because we're not prepared to leave them both scream and cry for what feels like hours. I have since realised that it doesn't matter, and I have to do what feels right and comfortable for us, no matter what promises of sleep have been made. 

2. I don't sweat the small stuff... as much.
I'm not saying that I don't worry about stuff, it still gets to me, practically every day something gets to me.... especially on those extremely sleep deprived days. I think that's just my nature, but I think on a whole, I'm able to worry less. I am more capable of looking at the bigger picture, I don't have as much time to focus on what the baby is doing, because the toddler will undoubtedly need rescuing in 3...2...1.... Baby missed a nap? Pram it, go for a drive, strap her into the baby carrier, whatever is going to help her get a bit of sleep... and if she doesn't? Brace yourself for a difficult afternoon, and maybe rethink the dinner plans... I'm sure plenty of kids have survived while having fish fingers and chips every once in a while. They don't eat dinner? Well, they'd eat if they were hungry enough... 

3. I have a much thicker skin...
​Now, this one is often easier said than done. It's extremely difficult when you're exhausted and hormonal to shrug things off, especially when the judgement comes from someone you care about, but now at least, I genuinely don't care what Mrs Kravitz across the road is thinking anymore... I know she's wondering whether it's breastmilk or formula in that bottle, and I'm practically daring her to ask me. I had one of my midwives in the hospital just after Eliana was born, make a comment to me about how I had been holding my baby too much. She was 2 days old, and had literally been part of my body for the previous 9 months, so as far as I was concerned, if I wanted to hold her for the next 24 hours straight, I would. We both needed the cuddles, and the comfort of those cuddles. Now, had this comment been made when I was in the hospital with Abbie, I may have taken it to heart. As it was, I just smiled and let Nurse Judgey continue with her observations, and I was grateful that I didn't see her again. 
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A few of my favourites from Abbie's first year...

​4. I make time for myself, no matter how short it is...
My dad once reminded me about what they drill into you on an airplane. You know, how you have to put the mask on yourself before helping others? This couldn't be more relevant to motherhood, or parenthood in general. Motherhood completely consumed me when Abbie was little. I constantly put baby first, then household stuff, and then me. It didn't take long for me to crash and burn... but I couldn't help but feel super guilty whenever I took a little time for myself. It didn't help that we had no help around when Abbie was small, I had to do everything myself. I guess I was more concerned about what would happen if I didn't stay on top of everything, and I always assumed I would just catch up on myself when I got a moment. Although, now I know that those 'moments' don't come around on their own, and that you have to carve out a little time for yourself... without feeling guilty. Just because you are now a mum, doesn't mean that you stop being yourself. It's ok to feel like you've had enough, to need some time out, to feel like all you do all day long is breastfeed, or change nappies, or settle to sleep... because lets face it, you do. Take the opportunities, no matter how small, to have something for your self. Whether it be a shower, a quiet cuppa in a room on your own, or if you're lucky, an actual outing! I hate grocery shopping with a passion, but I'll take it every now and then, because sometimes it's the only opportunity I get to be without child. 

5. I share the load...
I am lucky that Nathan is very hands on, he wants to help. I really struggled for a long time there to hand over the reins and allow someone to help me... I don't know why. Now, it's a very different story. We share most aspects of day to day parenting. I try to tackle as much of the nighttime duties as I can, to allow Nath to be able to think clearly at work the next day... but I have two little people to love and care for throughout the day, it requires the ability to think clearly and rationally too, something that can't be done on zero sleep for days in a row. So, he is often up in the middle of the night with me, or curls up in Abbie's bed with her, so that we can all get some sleep. He often reminds me that we both made these little beauties, and it's his job to take care of them too. It drives me nuts when he's right....

​6. I try my very hardest to steer clear of comparing myself to others...
​How can the mother of 4 appear to be so cool, calm, and collected? How can she dish out advice to me like I'm a fool for worrying about something so small? Well, that mother of 4 was once a mother of one as well. She worried about the small stuff, she overreacted, she broke down in tears and she undoubtedly felt overwhelmed at times too. She is now a pro at this mummy thing, and often times, even she has forgotten what it's like to be a new mum. Comparing yourself to others can really bring you down. In saying that, there are mothers that I look up to, that I aspire to be like... but I'm not sitting wondering how and why she can do it, when I feel like crap. I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm now more confident in my cluelessness, and I'm more confident in the knowledge that no one has any idea what they're really doing. 
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A few of my favourites from Eliana's first year...

​7. I don't constantly watch the clock...
This goes hand in hand with a few of the above points. When I only had Abbie, i practically obsessed with time and routines, and length of naps. I couldn't help myself. I was constantly being told that a strict routine would be the thing to fix the sleep issues, or that my baby should be napping longer than one sleep cycle at a time. I knew exactly what time she went to sleep, and I knew exactly what time she woke up. I worked most things in and around trying to establish a routine. I fought till I was in tears at times, but i didn't realise that I was fighting a losing battle! Abbie eventually established her own routine. She eventually napped longer than one sleep cycle, but obviously she had to do it in her own time, when she was developmentally ready. When Eliana joined the fun, I found that I didn't watch the clock as much. I still took note of the time, and had a rough idea of the length of sleeps etc, but it didn't rule my life! She slept for as long as she slept for, and we just got on with the day. The short naps still happened, not for as long though, and they still drove me nuts at times, but I knew that it would eventually sort itself out, and it has. 

8. I try not to blame myself...
I look back at photos of myself throughout that year, especially the early days, and I can see the sadness in my eyes. It breaks my heart to think that I ever felt that way. I couldn't help but feel like I was doing everything wrong, or that I wasn't cut out for motherhood somehow. I would lose my temper or handle situations in a way that I wouldn't have normally done, and I would blame myself. I can't count the amount of times I have cried to Nath, saying things like "I'm a terrible mother" or "I'm not cut out for this". Somewhere along the way, as I came out of the hazy, miserable phase I was in, I realised that I am good enough, I realised that I'm human! When I looked at my (by this stage) toddler, I realised that she was perfect... albeit loud, rambunctious and completely bull-headed (She is a Taurus after all). One day, we will all simply remember the good times, the love we shared and the laughs, not the times she didn't nap or the million-bazillion night wakings (Ok, some of us will remember those, but it won't be so bad). Abbie calls out to me in the middle of the night, not because she wants to be a pain in the butt, but because I am where she goes when she needs to find love, comfort, and connection... and that is why I now believe in myself a lot more than I did, I don't blame myself as much when I lose it, and I know that I am good enough.

9. I stop to enjoy the girls more than I did...
Abbie's first year full of self-doubt and anxiety flew by, and I held onto, or worried about the wrong things. I didn't enjoy her and all of her craziness! I was waiting and wanting things to feel easier, I kept saying "I can't wait until (insert milestone here)", rather than enjoying each stage. That being said, not every single moment is enjoyable, and when you walk into the bedroom to find the cot covered in something she found in her nappy... you don't need to savour that particular moment, but there are plenty of other little things to stop and take note of. I make a point every day to try and stop, and watch the girls, to enjoy Eliana's baby cuddles, and even though I find myself feeling 'touched out' most days, I have to remind myself that I will miss the snuggles when she feels she doesn't need me anymore... because I know I will.

​10. I prioritise...
​In many ways this is true, but on a more day to day level, I find myself being more able to forget the tasks that don't really matter. I imagine if a reality show was to be made about me, it could easily be titled "When neat freak meets motherhood; two worlds collide". I used to find myself vacuuming and mopping at least 3 times a week. Cleaning is my Zen place... I know, call me crazy, but I love it. There's nothing I love more than looking around at a neat, tidy and sparkly clean house... It helps me feel centred. I can practically hear mothers all over the world snorting and laughing... knowing full well how this kind of attitude fits in with children. It doesn't. That part of me is still there, it's just been filed away at the back somewhere. I get by with- near enough is good enough, and I have learned to hold off and do small bits at a time. As I sit here typing, I can see my two darlings playing beautifully. They are occupied and happy, so I'm not going to disturb that, but by the looks of the play room, you'd be forgiven for thinking that I have 13 toddlers and a pack of wild dogs living at my house. ​​

Spending the very last day of my twenties with two of my favourite people...