Negative space...

​When my beautiful big girl was a baby, I found myself standing on the edge of postnatal depression. It was almost as if I was standing on the edge of a cliff, looking down into a big black hole, just waiting for it to consume me. Like every day I was living on a razor’s edge. I didn’t trust myself with my own child. She deserved better than me.

I'm not even sure of the moment when we managed to pull me away from that black hole, and I say 'we' because I didn't do it alone. I guess it took some time. It’s like anything really. One day I just realized that I could breathe again. That I was enjoying things, life looked so much rosier.
 
When number two came along, of course we were aware, and took every precaution that we could to prevent it from happening again... I'm not sure if that's even possible. Yet, at a certain point, the inevitable appeared to be happening. I was so low, the nights were the hardest, and there were times when I wondered what the point was. I honestly believed at times that they would all be better off without me.
 
And then I found this place… this blog place.
 
I read a blog, by an incredible woman, and in many ways she saved me. I’ve said this before, and this person will probably never know what she did for me, nonetheless, I’m incredibly grateful to her. So I followed her lead and began to write. I wrote about everything. I found this place to share, and to experience what others were going through. I suddenly felt less alone in the world, and that knowledge was enough to help me find my feet again. So many around me still don’t understand it, but that's exactly why I needed to come here.
 
This time around, we are, so far so good. I’ve had a few questionable moments, but I think we can thank the sleep deprivation and hormones for that. The difference this time for me is, I write. Constantly. Turning my every thought into some kind of tale. This space gives me a way to bring those darker moments into the light. It helps me find the good in those times when you really feel like the whole world is against you. Those times when you simply cannot fathom having to continue putting one foot in front of the other. This place continues to be my place of healing, even amongst the negativity.
 
So it hurts my heart to read so many hurtful comments, and to see so much hatred towards this blogging world.
 
'Oh here we go, another mummy blogger' 
 
For many of us, this is a place of healing, of sharing our triumphs and our failures with those that have been there before. Sharing with those that can help to uplift us in our lowest moments. Many are complete strangers. We’ve never met before, yet we feel like we know each other. We share because we need to, and because there might be that one person amongst the crowd, that one person that might be saved by our words. That's why we do it.
 
Once upon a time, I was that one person, and now it's my turn to share.