'You might want to take a step back Doctor... You don't want your shoes to get wet'...
Says my midwife to my OB as he reaches even further up into my hoo-ha. There he was, shirt neatly folded up to his elbow, tie tucked firmly over his shoulder, suit jacket placed ever so carefully over the chair near the door... Me dressed in my birthday suit, spread legged, watching a grown man reach inside my special place...That my friends, is one of the funnier positions (literally) I've found myself in these last few years, and it's one that I certainly never thought I would find myself in... before I had kids anyways.
This morning as I was witnessing the third major toddler meltdown for the day (and it was only 9am). I'm talking the works here... tears, kicking, screaming, snot, drool... and that's just from me (!!). It was always going to happen, it's daddy's first day back at work after having a few weeks off over Christmas, and what better way to test mummy's patience levels than to pull on every heart string and render anyone within a 2 km radius deaf. As meltdown number three drew to a close, and we hugged it out, she turns to me like nothing has happened and says, 'Mummy, baby poos are stuck', and in that very moment, for some unknown reason, I thought to myself 'Dear god how my life has changed!'. If I had a dollar for the amount of times I've said 'What do you mean, stuck?' or, 'How did you get that stuck in there?', or thought 'Oh shit, where are you going to stick that?' I'd be a rich lady! Before you enter the realm of raising kids, you think you know what to expect, but there's nothing that can really truly prepare you for what's to come, both good and bad!
So just for some Monday shits and giggles (cause I know I need it!), here are a few more of the funnier positions I've found myself in over these last few years...
I have been lucky enough to have not just one, but TWO experiences with the oversized crochet hook that they stick squarely up your you-know-what, when breaking your waters. During my second labour (as mentioned above), when my OB broke my waters, they discovered I'd been carrying around about 2L of extra fluid... We're talking a wall of water cascading off the bed, creating a tiny lake on the floor of the delivery suite. Something akin to an inland Tsunami. When my midwife gently reminded my OB that he didn't want to get his nice shiny shoes covered in my amniotic fluid, I remember thinking 'What the actual f$%k is going on here?'... I thought I knew what to expect this time.
The first time I'd had my waters artificially broken, apart from wondering where exactly they planned on sticking that go-go gadget knitting needle, my first thought was,
'Oh god, it's warm!'...
Well of course it is you numpty, what did you think? You were carrying around a few litres of ice cold sparkling lemonade in there? I think I made it worse for myself when I said it out loud, in front of a few doctors and a handful of student midwives. Such a great feeling! You know, making a twat out of yourself while you have half a dozen strangers looking up your, well... you know...
I don't think I really need to add any explanation as to why this next phrase now rates as probably the one that leaves my mouth most often (as opposed to whispering 'Are you f$%king serious!?' to myself, in my head about 17,000 times a day). It's not really a huge surprise, but I think the frequency it is said is the surprise,
'Ugh, I need to pee'...
You've had a baby? You need to pee.
This next one has to be the funniest of all. It comes directly from the book of 'Crazy things toddler say'... but first here's a back story...
In all of my naivety, I thought the worst thing that I would be left with was a few stretch marks, 'Bid deal!' I thought. Not long after Eliana was born, I noticed that as my gigantic belly started to slowly deflate, the skin on my belly started to look a little bit like the wrinkliness of a shrivelled up balloon. Or, if you are Kirsty and her best friend, you think it looks a little bit like a Scrotum. That's right... we thought my left over baby belly looked like a ball sack. We thought it was incredibly funny at the time, which may or may not be due to the fact that within a month of each other, we had both landed ourselves in a world of new mum sleeplessness, or that we are just a pair of giggly teenagers (and not grown up 30 year olds) that think balls are funny... but lets be honest here, they totally are! Then one day as I was wrestling with my beautiful little 2 year old on the floor, she caught a glimpse of my belly and said,
'Eeew, daddy's doodles'
Confirmation... Ouch baby girl... just ouch.
I'm sure we've all had a few one liners or thoughts that have stopped us in our tracks, I could go on with the usual ones like,
'Get your finger out of your nose'
'Thanks, but I don't really want your booger on my shirt'
'Please don't use your sisters head as a tissue'
'WOOOOOHOOOOO! A wee on the toilet!' *Along with the obligatory happy dance*
So tell me, what are some of the positions you've found yourself in? Or things you find yourself saying, thinking or hearing that you NEVER thought you would?
Behind the blog...
‘The Mummysomniac’ is a lifestyle, motherhood and most recently, pregnancy blog, founded in 2015 by Kirsty McKenzie. She’s a mum of three, blogging about the highs and lows of motherhood, with a straight forward and honest approach, as well as a little bit of humour. Kirsty is passionate about sharing the realities of #MumLife, not the cookie cutter, high gloss version