This morning I found myself sitting at a baby shower. I haven't been to a baby shower in a few years now, and as I sat there watching my gorgeously glowing pregnant friend, with her perfectly round belly, I found myself thinking about how much I missed being pregnant. 'SAY WHAT?!' I hear you ask... Don't worry, once I came crashing back to reality, and practically slapped my own face, I said the same thing. I miss some things about being pregnant, but I certainly don't miss pregnancy in general. Not long after my moment of insanity, I began thinking about life before kids, and what I miss now. If someone had asked me 3 years ago, before I became a mum, I'm sure the list of things I thought I was going to miss would be very different to what I actually miss today. I thought I would miss parties, and having a few drinks, heading out to a restaurant, going to a movie, or being able to travel the world. Sure there are times where I think some of that might be nice, but the things I actually miss, are nothing like these! I've compiled a list of the top 11 things ( a list of 10 just seemed so cliche) that I miss the most since become a mum...


1. Sleep!
Ok, well this one was obvious. I can't believe that just a few short years ago, waking up at 7am was like enduring an act of physical and psychological torture. Now, 7 am is a welcomed sleep in! If I could go back in time, I would offer up a nice slow clap to the genius who says, 'Catch up on sleep now, because you won't get it when the baby's here'. I mean seriously. Sure, I'll just top myself up, and store some away in my magical sleep bank, where I'll be able to draw back on it any time I'm in need. I would however, enjoy it more. Now, I was always one who loved a good sleep. I was in struggle town with anything under 10 hours a night (seriously). If I could go back and do it over, I would not take it for granted. I would savour every moment. Every. Single. Moment. Not having to get up on anyone else's time, sleeping all night, and in my own bed. The reasons are endless, and are probably pretty stock standard for most parents.

2. Sharing food...
I HATE SHARING MY FOOD!!! I love food. I eat lots. No matter what it is, no matter when it is, a toddler will want some. They can hear food, or smell food, or they have some kind of radar especially set up to detect food. Even if you're hiding in the bathroom 6 rooms away, surrounded by bulletproof glass and barbed wire, they will find you. They will even find their manners especially for this occasion, even if 15 minutes ago, you had to remind them how to say 'please' and 'thank you'. 

3. Showering alone...
I had always envisaged myself performing in front of a crowd... I just didn't think I'd be naked, singing renditions of 'Row Row' or 'Twinkle Twinkle' to entertain the masses. 

4. Toileting alone...
While I'm talking about things I never thought I'd  be comfortable doing, this is probably the weirdest. Going to the toilet with an audience in your own home is one thing, but when you have to take an inquisitive toddler into a public bathroom with you, and she loudly tells the entire queue what you're up to, it's a totally different experience. I'm a sharer of all sorts, but I generally draw the line and bodily functions such as this... apparently no more. 

5. Getting dressed in the morning...
Long gone are the days where I had all the time in the world to get myself ready... where I could spend time trying to figure out my outfit, or fixing my hair and make up. These days it seems that no matter how much time I think I have to get ready, I always end up rushing around like a blue-arsed fly, trying to figure out what to wear. Most of the time I can forget the make up, and the hair gets tossed up into the usual boring mum bun, and I have totally embraced my very own version of 'Crumpled Chic'.

6. Traveling lightly...
The days where it was simply a matter of grabbing your hand bag, or even just your phone and keys are well behind me. Now, I can't go anywhere without the nappy bag... it's a kick ass nappy bag, it's Mimco, but it's still a pain in the backside. I need spare nappies, wipes, clothes, hats, bibs, change mat, sunscreen, water, food, a kitchen sink and a unicorn just to go to the shop for a bit. You know why? Because the second you even think about going out without all that spare stuff, you'll have a poo explosion, or puke, or any number of equally disgusting things occur. Then you'll be left high a dry (well... maybe not dry) and desperately in need of something. While we're talking about getting out and about with kids, this next one comes to mind...

7. Getting out of the house quickly...
Does. Not. Happen. Anymore... I basically need to add an extra 15 minutes onto how long it takes me to get somewhere. The toddler will always lose a shoe, or will want her hair tied up at the very last minute, not to mention juggling, and trying to strap both the baby and toddler into their car seats. 

8. Wearing nice bras...
I can't remember the last time I wore a bra that didn't have clips on the straps, and you think you can find a nice maternity bra for any size, for under a bazillion dollars? Think again sister.

9. Not having kids songs or TV theme songs stuck in my head...
Once is all it takes... the theme songs are just so damn catchy! I often walk around the house singing 'Hello, My name is Emma'... Thanks yellow wiggle.

10. SWEARING!!!
Don't let the 12 years of private schooling or too many years of ballet lessons fool you... I swear like a drunken sailor, in a back alley somewhere in Kings Cross. Trying not to swear is like trying not to breathe. I have to watch what I say all day long and it's torture! I used to work in childcare, where swearing is obviously a big no no, but I got to go home at the end of the day, and let my inner sailor out... That was even more fun because I got to watch Nathan's eyes roll into the back of his head every time I did. These days, I'm on swear watch 24/7. I can still safely swear via text though, so I'm sure my friends are quite familiar with all of the 'Ducking duckheads' going around.

11. The phone...
It seems that literally every time I pick up the phone these days, I suddenly become the world's most wanted woman. I can be hiding in the corner, having one of those rare moment's to myself, and the phone will ring... Suddenly the baby needs a cuddle and the toddler can no longer function without being on me...

There are probably a multiple others to add to the list that pop up on a day to day basis, but I wouldn't swap my two little darlings for any of them. Except maybe sleep... 

Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder who the heck you're looking at? These last 9 months have been a struggle, I didn't bounce back like I did after having Abbie, and I don't know the person staring back at me anymore... All I see now is an tired old lady (insert old lady emoji here). After posting the below comparison shot this morning, I've had some interesting comments, and I just want to set the record straight. It's taken what feels like an eternity, and even though I might look like pre-preggo Kirsty, I'm still far from it. 

Pregnancy (and babies) has really done a number on my body... and I mean hammered it. Like someone's taken a sledgehammer to something once nice and shiny, and it's now shattered into a million pieces... Ok, Ok, let's not get too dramatic, but to me it's practically unrecognisable. Everything has changed, from my hair having fallen out, meaning now I have patches of super short hair where it's starting to grow back. My eyes have more wrinkles and under eye bags then they did a year ago (no sleep will do that to ya), my boobs are no longer perky and I fear that when breastfeeding comes to an end, they'll be hanging out somewhere near my bellybutton... a belly button that legit looks like a grumpy old man frowning at me! No jokes, that bad boy got stretched to oblivion, and all the left over stretched skin on my belly sits in such a way that I can make out his eyes, his nose, and he even has a bad-ass handle bar moustache.

Before I fell pregnant with Abbie, I had always envisaged my pregnant self to be reminiscent of Violet Beauregarde from the original 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory'... You know, where she blows up like a giant blueberry, and the Oompa Loompas roll her away, this big round ball with tiny little arms and legs flailing around. However, I was pretty lucky the first time. I was less giant blueberry, more, swallowed a massive bowling ball. I gained about 11kg, had a nice little 7lbs baby, and was pretty stoked to end up stretch mark free... on my belly at least. My boobs went from b-cups to a fairly decent set of d-cups by 7 weeks, and then became massive watermelon e-cups (probably bigger, I was too scared to measure) when my milk came in. That part I'm ok with, I quickly looked at my new found stretchiness as a good thing... proof that I did at least once in my life have a reasonable set of jubblies. Pregnancy number 2 however, has really done a number on me. At about 37 weeks along, I measured myself at my widest point, I was 107cm. To put that into perspective, I am only 157cm tall, or roughly 5 feet 1.8 inches, but let's round up shall we? 5 foot 2!! My belly width was almost 2/3 my height, so my Violet Beauregarde vision wasn't far off. I was well on my way to being as round as I am tall, and if I was like that at 37 weeks, imagine what I would have been like if I'd gone all the way to 40, or heaven forbid... 42 weeks! In some ways, lady luck smiled down on me and I was induced at 39 weeks again. I can't imagine how much bigger she would have become, as it was she was 8lbs 4oz and 52cm at birth, so basically a little buddha.

Post pregnancy, I was left with a pretty sizeable abdominal separation, approximately 4-5 finger widths, seriously, a grown woman could fit her entire fist in between my abs! I still looked about 6 months pregnant (at least) at 3 weeks postpartum. The two pregnancies so close together meant everything grew way too quickly, and honestly just kept growing. I got asked on a daily basis if I was having twins, and at times I was convinced there must've been a second little baby hiding in there somewhere. After the birth, I avoided looking at myself in the mirror and just tried not to think about it. You know how everyone says 'It took 9 months to get that way, give yourself at least 9 months to lose it'? Yeah well, that's so much easier said than done, especially when you have the patience of a two year old, red headed toddler, when you have to try and find clothes to fit, or when the person you see in the mirror is all bulgy, jiggly and swollen. For the first few weeks/months, I wasn't even allowed to lift Abbie or do anything strenuous at all, so that kinda sucked, I had no choice but to take it slowly. I also had to wear a belly support, which during a Brisbane summer at like 1000% humidity, sucked more than anything!

It's been a long hard road (even though it seems to have flown by in a blink) and I'm finally starting to come out of this foggy feeling that's plagued me most of this year. Trying to do any exercise when you've got a baby and a crazy toddler sometimes feels like an impossible task. I was breastfeeding, so I couldn't leave the baby for too long, I have no access to daytime babysitters, and who the hell wants to go outside and exercise when it's -6?? Not me... but I've managed by walking to the park (when the sun is out) and taking the hilly route while pushing both girls in the double pram, or walking Abbie to childcare instead of driving, which is actually more due to laziness (the effort of two babies in and out of car seats vs the pram), and attempting living room workouts (which have now moved outside with the warmer weather). It's getting me there slowly. Then last week as I was looking back on photos I realised that this week marks the 39th week that my second little buddha has been out in the big wide world! For some reason that feels like a reason to celebrate... but it also meant it was time to look back at how far I'd come, and time to see whether I had reached my goal! Eeeek!
 
The most obvious positive thing I saw was that I had managed to lose all of the weight I had gained during pregnancy, and then some. I gained 14kg with Eliana, which was a fair bit more than my OB had in mind, but now I've lost a total of 17kg. I think that's mainly due to 2 reasons. Firstly, most days I barely get the chance to sit down, I'm constantly running around like a chicken with its head cut off... And if you've ever seen a chicken have it's head cut off, like I have, you'll know it's not pretty. I'm up and down off the floor, dancing, or lifting, going to the park, not to mention the housework. Secondly, it totally helps having a smarty pants toddler. I don't want her to eat junk food, or anything terribly bad, so that means I can't eat it either! Goodbye daytime chocolate binge, or a sneaky bowl of ice cream with choc mint Iced Magic (Mmmmmm) It's totally the Best. Diet. Ever... and if I'm being totally honest, I did have a go at the 'Wisdom tooth extraction diet' too, when Eliana was about 3 months old.. it's extremely efficient, but completely horrible and I would not recommend it. Two of my favourite things in life are eating and talking, and I couldn't do either! 

So even though I've managed to overcome two of the major issues I had, the weight and the abdominal separation (which is now approx 1 finger width now considered 'normal'), I still can't get my head around the other more permanent changes. There are a number of external pressures I think most mum's feel after having a baby, and losing the weight is definitely a common one, but another I have faced, is that somehow we are supposed to miraculously fall in love with our new bodies. I appreciate the amazing things my body has done, it not only grew two perfect tiny little humans, it delivered them safely (even if it was slightly traumatic), and it has healed and mostly recovered... I guess unless you're me, you wouldn't know the difference now. It's something I will never, ever take for granted. So with all of these amazing things, why am I still struggling? I have to be realistic. I had a whole 27+ years (pre Abbie's pregnancy) to get used to the skin I was in before it all started to change, and I've only had 9 short months with this new one. It'll take time. Through the girls teenage years, when I look at myself in the mirror, I'll be looking at an even older woman, with more wrinkles and grey hair (cause lets face it, teenage girls are not all angels like I was... right dad??), and I'll think back to this time. I'm sure I'll wonder what the hell I was going on about... but, it is what it is. Until the time comes when I can look in the mirror and be totally comfortable in my new skin, I can take solace in the fact that at least my deflated boobs and old man belly button have each other down there on my midsection... I can see them only growing closer! 

This little life of mine has given me so much and it's provided so many amazing opportunities. I have been lucky enough to live in a bunch of different places, and as a result of that, I have friends and family scattered all over this great big world of ours. Everywhere from Perth to Hobart, from Canada and the US, to Germany, Italy and even Israel. This life is also is the reason that some days I feel incredibly lonely. This motherhood gig sees me being constantly surrounded by people, yet feeling so incredibly lonely a lot of the time. I miss my friends and family, and I see social media as an awesome tool to help us all stay connected. I can post pictures and updates of what's going on with me and mine in one place, rather than 1000 different texts or emails. At the same time, it helps me feel like I am still a small part of their lives. Some may say that I rely on it a little too much, and that may be true, but some days it feels like my only connection to the outside world. I know many people that hardly ever log on, and somedays, I honestly wish I could be more like them, I wish I were able to be 100% content in my little bubble. However, most of the time I crave adult human contact. On those days when I'm feeling lonely or homesick, I can log on and see their beautiful smiling faces, on those days, it helps. I'm a fairly social person by nature, so this life can be so frustratingly hard. 

My children are currently the most consuming part of my life. I live them, I love them, I breathe them. I want to share them with the world, or shout it from the rooftops... This platform is my rooftop. Sometimes the little things they do make me feel like my heart is going to burst, and I want to share that feeling with others. Similarly, many of my friends have themselves created some of the most amazing little people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I love nothing more than logging on to Facebook or Instagram and seeing their gorgeous offspring... It's the next best thing to actually being able to see them in person. I can understand that this particular stage of my life isn't necessarily relevant to everyone, but it goes both ways. There are a number of different social media 'types' that I don't particularly gel with either. 

I have been trying to figure out a more eloquent way of putting this, but nothing quite covers the way I'm feeling more than this- it bugs the absolute crapola outta me that mama's and papa's feel guilty about being proud of, and wanting to share their bubs with the world. So often we see a photo that's followed by something like #sorrynotsorry #babyspam or #overgramming, acknowledging that we've posted yet another photo, or even an outright apology, god forbid we offend someone with our babies! But WHY? Why should I feel guilty for posting updates or photos on MY page? I despise when a photo is prefaced with 'I promised I was never going to be one of THOSE parents'... That's cool, don't you be one of those parents. I would love nothing more than to have my friends and family in one place. To have all the loves of my life together, and to have them spend time with me and my little family. That's just not the case, and it will probably never happen. So, for me this is it... and if your thing is your dog, your food, your gym or crossfit, or you love nothing more than to share a good selfie, then go for it!  After all, it's your page... that's the whole point!

The way I see it, people have a number of choices if they don't like what I post... 
1. You can unfriend me- It may be a little harsh, but totally acceptable. I won't be offended. 
2. You can unfollow me- easy peasy, I won't be any the wiser. 
3. You can simply keep scrolling- no harm done. 
4. Don't log on- if you have an issue with seeing what your 'friends' are doing and posting,  then why are you on social media in the first place?? 

I love being able to see what makes my favourite people happy, reading about or seeing pictures of the latest #mummyfail and various toddler antics, photo number 357 of your baby's chubby cheeks or sweet smile, and pregnant bellies, I LOVE a good pregnant belly! 
So as far as this little mother duck is concerned, post away people! Screw the haters, because I can guarantee that the photo you posted has just made someone's day... often mine. 

There's a misconception that i would like to address. It's the notion that the life of a stay at home parent is easy. In my experience, it is anything BUT easy...