Guest blog by Vicki Moore @Vickimoore99
You, who is sitting on the hospital bed questioning why this has happened.
You, who knows it wasn't supposed to be like this.The romantic notion of how you thought this would go has been cruelly taken away and left you hollow.
You, who gave birth only hours ago to a beautiful baby. The same beautiful baby has been taken away and is now being admitted into NICU.
You, who does not realise the significance of being moved from the ward to a side room on your own. Away from the mothers and more importantly away from the babies by there sides.
You, who looks at your phone to see all of the congratulations texts, Facebook and Instagram notifications but can't face replying to a single one.
You, who despite your health and how sore you are, manage the walk from the ward to NICU numerous times a day to watch your new born baby covered in wires and tubes.
You, who doesn't even feel like their mother, as you've only been able to get your baby out and hold them on day three of being in the hospital.
You, who wants this end and for them to tell you they got it wrong and your baby is okay and there is nothing wrong with them. But, there is and nothing will change that. The future appointments, operations and the treatment are needed, and that is your life now.
You, who has become so adjusted to hospital life, it is now routine.
You, who feels this is unfair, and who feels robbed. Robbed of being able to take your baby home like the other mums in their brand new car seats with banners and bunting with lots of visitors waiting for you when you get home.
You, that feels resentment to others, friends even, who go in and have their babies and come straight home.
You, who is struggling with the denial, confusion, anger, worry and self pity.
You, who feels more comfortable confiding in a nurse rather than your friends and family.
You, who cannot believe it when they discharge you both and know how important it is that your baby is home.
You, who now begins to miss the familiarity of the hospital, the security of the machines and medical staff in the event something happens.
You, who is petrified for the future.
You, who is sleep deprived and a nervous wreck and can't cope on your own.
You, who cant bear the pity in people's eyes when they ask you about the baby.
You, who begins to lie to people as you cannot keep talking about it.
You, who starts staying in more and more and cancelling plans rather than facing the questions.
You, who resents your partner for going out and working every day and not seeming to let this bother them.
You who feels like this is all your fault as you grew them, carried them and gave birth to them.
You, who cries all of the time.
You, who may have find silent ways to cope, secret ways to cope, sleeping pills, anti depressants, not eating.
You, who feels guilt. So, much guilt. Guilt for laughing and having fun, guilt for doing something normal, guilt for forgetting about things for a few hours. Then like a punch to the stomach it will hit you again.
You, who is looking at your baby knowing they need a life saving operation.
You, who always knew this was needed.
You, who is terrified their baby is going to die.
You, who is waiting to take your baby to theatre not knowing if they will come back up.
You, who is a mess.
You, who after months of waiting returns back home with their baby now 'repaired' ready to continue to start some sort of normal life.
You, who struggles to be happy that this chapter seems over for now.
You, who still feels a mix of emotions.
You, who cannot seem to move past this.
You, can move past this.
You, will accept this.
You, will become stronger for it.
Because YOU are a Parent.
From Me, a NICU Mum who's been there and come out the other side.
If you would like to read more from Vicki click, here.
Behind the blog...
‘The Mummysomniac’ is a lifestyle, motherhood and most recently, pregnancy blog, founded in 2015 by Kirsty McKenzie. She’s a mum of three, blogging about the highs and lows of motherhood, with a straight forward and honest approach, as well as a little bit of humour. Kirsty is passionate about sharing the realities of #MumLife, not the cookie cutter, high gloss version