By Kirsty McKenzie
1. Low, lower, Lower than low...
Lower your standards. Otherwise you will most definitely send yourself a little crazy. When I say ‘lower your standards’ I mean a lot. Take your current standard, and halve it. If you have more than one child, halve that again, and again, and again. And if, like some mums I know, you have 6 kids, just be happy that they’re eating lunch... even if it’s just this morning’s breaky still sitting on the floor (because you’ve been too busy to clean it up).
2. Add it up...
Take the time it once took you do to something, then at add least 30 minutes more for every child you possess… At LEAST. For instance, if you were once able to shower, shave, blow dry, and put a fresh face of make up on in a half hour period, it’s gonna take you longer now. Much longer. But you don’t get that kinda time in the mornings anymore anyways right? I mean lets face it, even with one child, by the time you get in the shower, it’s probably already nap time, and you just know that the second you get in there and lather up to shave your legs, the baby will wake up, and you’ll be half way through. Leaving you with the age old ‘co-mum-drum’ do I,
a) rush-finish shaving my legs, leaving baby to cry? Thereby upping my mum-guilt status, and increasing my risk of slicing myself with the razor, which not only hurts like a mother, but means I’ll have to spend the next half an hour anyways, placing tiny pieces of toilet paper on the nicks?
b) finish right where I am, be happy that I at least made an attempt, throw my jeans on anyways, and just be done with it.
And if you’re anything like me, a morning shower before school run is something that dreams are made of, let alone shaving and make up… I mean, BLOW DRYER WHO?
3. If it looks clean, it's close enough...
The ‘sniff test’ is absolutely an acceptable way of figuring out if something is clean. If something looks clean, it’s clean enough, and if it smells ok, thats EVEN BETTER. If you can hide a small spot of regurgitated milk on yesterday’s shirt by adding a handy scarf, or some kind of vest (do people even still wear vests these days?), go for it sister. I will not pass judgement. Chances are, that my jeans have last night’s dinner on them somewhere. You’re part of the sisterhood now.
4. So much extra...
Always add an extra one of whatever it is you’re packing. You think you’ve got enough nappies? Think again sister. The day you go out thinking two will be enough to get through, will most certainly be the day that you have multiple poo explosions. Forget Murphy’s law, it’s mother’s law. ALWAYS ADD AN EXTRA.
5. Extra, extra?
If you are going to eat something… make sure you add extra (yes, even more extras). Even if your kid HATES avocado with a fiery passion, they will absolutely 100% be asking you for a bit of the avocado and feta toast that you’ve been dreaming about all morning and just managed to make yourself my 11am. And while we’re here, just bring food. Stash food in your nappy bad, handbag, pram compartments, in your car. Just do it. You will be forever grateful for that small packet of tiny teddies (even if Barbara is giving you a dirty look because it’s not certified organic home made kale chips) that you thought to stash away in the glove box - when you’re stuck in a traffic jam because the city council thought that Monday morning peak hour was a great time to resurface the road.
6. You will become a no-texter-backerer...
You hated those friends of yours that wouldn’t IMMEDIATELY respond to a text message? Or would let the convo drop off and then forget that you were even having one? Well, sorry to say here love, that no matter how hard you try, you will inevitably turn in that person at some stage. The good news is, when you do get around to chatting to your friend again, not much has changed in the three weeks between messages. You’ve just been elbow deep in mum life anyways. Either that or you just can’t remember what happened. I mean, you just put the milk in the pantry and tried to open the car door with the remote control. Go easy on yourself. You will however, undoubtedly appreciate your friends 100 times more than you ever used to. Those fleeting moments you get to spend together are precious. Take every opportunity that you can.
7. Always have a contingency...
Plan, plan, plan. Have a back up plan for your back up plan... a contingency for your contingency! But also be flexible cause you never know what those little tantrum wielding tyrants will throw at you. In other words, you need to become Bear Grylls, but hopefully not having to eat raw meat and drink your own urine. Unless you’re into that kinda thing, then I guess do whatever floats your boat. What I mean is, just be prepared for literally ANYTHING. Sometimes trying to do anything with kids in tow, is like trying to fit the square peg into the round hole on one of those old school Tupperware shape sorters. Sure, if you push hard enough, it’ll eventually make it through, but it’s not easy.
8. Nothing else really matters...
Making it through the day with everyone alive is sometimes all you can expect to do. Don’t sweat it (she says as she still absolutely sweats the silly little things sometimes) as much. If they’re loved, fed, and you still have all of your hair at the end of the day, you’re a winner. Tomorrow is a new day, and the piles of washing will still be there, along with the dog hair tumble weeds in the corners on your floor. It’s all good.
Behind the blog...
‘The Mummysomniac’ is a lifestyle, motherhood and most recently, pregnancy blog, founded in 2015 by Kirsty McKenzie. She’s a mum of three, blogging about the highs and lows of motherhood, with a straight forward and honest approach, as well as a little bit of humour. Kirsty is passionate about sharing the realities of #MumLife, not the cookie cutter, high gloss version